"It is a tremendous act of violence to begin anything!
I am not able to begin. I simply skip what should be the beginning."
Rainer Maria Rilke
Those words, neatly written by my husband onto a sage green post-it note, have been stuck to his dry erase board for as long as I can remember. Typically, I stare blankly at this tiny slip of paper while doing jumping jacks or jogging in place in our living room, while Ken is away at school. But today was different. Rilke's quote took on a new meaning. They forced me to get off the couch (and consequently, to log off Pinterest and Facebook and to quit checking emails on my smartphone) and just start exercising.
Do you ever have days like that--when it feels so hard to 'start' anything, let alone exercise? That was me this morning.
This past month, I have really struggled with my desire to be more self-disciplined, in setting aside proper work time, tending to household needs, being intentional in my relationships, eating well and exercising more often. It feels frustrating because I have such high expectations for myself, my business, my relationships and my body. Although recently, I admit to noticing a change taking place in my life, and it's encouraging. No matter how subtle it is. Rather than beating myself up for not being 'good enough' or 'doing everything right,' I am learning to bask in God's grace and love for me. I suppose in one sense, I am learning to be human. It's weird to phrase it that way, especially since I naturally focus on human depravity or the more negative/sinful aspects of humanity's makeup. But God is slowly transforming the way that I view myself. He's showing me that in loving who He made me, and in acknowledging and accepting my limitations, I am in fact, bringing Him glory.
It's an exciting time in my life. I'm so amazed at how God is crafting me into a more confident, resilient, wiser, and stronger woman who is also vulnerable, transparent and humble. I never knew that those things could exist together, in my life. I'm thankful for the small steps of faith that God has used to draw me deeper into relationship with Him, which in turn has changed me. Three and a half years ago, I moved to Seattle, in faith. Two and a half years ago, I married Ken, in faith. And last week, after a year and a half of prayer, research, diligence and schooling, I launched my own wedding and event planning business--in faith. Like I said, it's exciting. There's a whole list of other things that encompass how I'm feeling as well--scared yet hopeful, anxious but confident, vulnerable, tender, and the list goes on.
As I think back on those words by Rainier Maria Rilke, I'm thankful that God is opening my eyes to His great plans for my life. And how all that I'm called to do is to move forward in faith. I don't need to have everything 'perfect' (i.e. figured out, mapped out, planned, etc.), and I don't need to be perfect (i.e. in the best shape of my life, Martha Stewart, etc.), I just need to start where I'm at. And maybe, thanks to Rilke, I won't even focus on wading in slowly. I'll continue to thrust myself forward, into this ever-evolving story of Christ's work in my life.
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