A More "Meaty" Blog Post

Here I am, awake and bright-eyed at 6 a.m. this drab Seattle morning. Despite the all-consuming darkness blanketing the sky, I feel refreshed, energized and excited for this day. I woke up a few minutes before 6 a.m., with these words on my heart: "What are your goals and how are you moving toward them?" Wow. That was my first response to that question, which surprisingly jolted me up, as if someone was talking to me next to my bed. I realized when I opened my eyes and looked around the room, that the voice must have come from within. I didn't know how to answer that poignant question and do it justice while lying on my bed, so I got up. I walked to the living room, grabbed my journal, a pen, and started writing, somewhat furiously, my hopes for the future. My unspoken dreams. My long-term goals. My desires for myself, both personally and professionally. It was a very raw experience, just between me and God. Ideas flowed freely as I pushed through my fears and wrote from this proposition: "What would I pursue if I had no fear?"

Looking back over the past two weeks, I've had some defining "Ah-ha!" moments, as my creative writing professor in college called them. Monday, I engaged with my older sister on the topic of unemployment and how these last 6 months have shaped me greatly. In sharing my heart, I realized that God has used the dissonance to draw me deeper into relationship with Him and with others. When I walked away from my last job, I truly felt God's peace in the decision. At 25 years old, I didn't like the trajectory of where I was headed. I loved parts of what I did very much. But I'm just not your typical 8-5 shift girl who can sit at a desk all day. I love to create and am naturally drawn to meeting new people, reaching out to others, baking, cooking, crafting, writing, and learning new things. I love to be active and engaged. So, in an effort to pursue these passions, I gave up my former job and started a journey, or perhaps more accurately, I changed direction on my journey. Instead of working so hard at being who I thought I "should" be, I'm now living into my calling of who I already am.

Yet over these past 6 months, I have experienced tons of self-doubt, fear and frustration. I wish that graduating with honors from a recognized school had prepared me for knowing what to do when there's a disconnect between your heart and your work. I have grappled with so many "big" questions while being unemployed, and faced down personal demons, such as my need for approval and self-sufficiency. It has been downright ugly at times. I do want to succeed, but I don't really know what success means. I want to be a "good worker" but is "good" defined by how productive I am in a company setting or how well I steward my talents and skills and share them with the people God has placed in my life? The list of questions goes on. What I've really desired this season has been a heart revelation of what to do next. I've felt almost paralyzed at times, fearing that I will never figure out what I'm meant to do or work toward in this life. It's a scary place, being caught in indecision--believing that life's purpose is somehow wrapped up in what I do or don't do.

Thank God that life is not black and white.

This brings me to back to my peace-filled morning hours. The excitement and energy I felt, as I wrote out my dreams and interests in my brown Moleskine tablet, caught me off guard. It reminded me of C.S. Lewis' book title, "Surprised by Joy." This morning, I saw God surprise me with joy. It was like He whisked me away from all my anxieties and brought me to a party in my honor, where I was given the chance to be and do anything I've ever wanted. And He took me aside and said, "In Me, there's complete freedom. Pursue what I've placed on your heart. Don't worry about failing. You are not a failure." And so I wanted to share these thoughts with you, because they've been a huge encouragement to me. I believe that God desires for us to live joyfully and take pleasure in working hard.

Here's my "go" at living in faith rather than fear in pursuing wedding and event planning (one of my dream jobs). I've signed up for a distance learning program and will hopefully acquire my certification within the next 5 months. Wish me luck!

Or rather, say a prayer for me, please. I don't want to forget the words God spoke to me in the stillness of my soul.