Thoughts on Sleepless Nights & Becoming a Mom

It's been 18 days now since I gave birth to my sweet baby girl, Ruby. Yesterday, I met with my family practitioner and she removed the surgical tape covering my stitches, remnants from my emergency c-section. Her incredibly quick hands stripped the adhesive bandages in record time. I felt a few sharp pinches on my abdomen and before I could fully register the pain, she had completed her task and whipped out a mirror to show me what it looked like down there: a thin, shadowy line running horizontal above my pelvis.

Thankfully, I'm no longer afraid of what I see. Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, stripped down before my daily shower, I analyze the ever-changing shape of my body. Each new curve, stretch mark, and scar is fascinating. Prior to labor and delivery, the nurses at my women's clinic would brag about how beautiful my light-brown skin was. They'd say things like, "It's not fair," and "I can't believe you have no stretch marks from being pregnant." Phrases that women tell other women in a sort of backhanded compliment, which translates to "I'm jealous."

Somehow that all changed once I gave birth to my baby. Stretch marks magically appeared all around my belly and my once-flawless complexion morphed into blotchy patches of discoloration. How ironic.

Becoming a mother has truly changed me, both physically and emotionally. While I'm fairly close to my pre-pregnancy weight, thanks largely in part to a rapid 20-lb weight loss during delivery, I recognize that my body has transformed. It's so different.

I'm a mom now. And as such, my body accommodates the needs of my baby - her constant nursing, and desire to cuddle.

Likewise, I feel a strong mothering instinct. I must protect my baby girl, taking great care to feed her and watch over her. Most nights, I fall asleep listening to the sound of her breathing, focusing on every inhale and exhale, ensuring that she's still alive and safe.

To put things in perspective, before having baby Ruby in my life, I had no idea how challenging parenting could be. Sure, friends and family always had their stories to share but until I became a mom, I didn't realize that I could function on so little sleep each night, supplemented by fragmented naps throughout the day. In certain ways, I feel like the worst version of myself: crazy-haired girl who currently lives in her pink and white bathrobe and occasionally (or frequently) forgets if she brushed her teeth or changed her underwear, all while operating in a delirious state of exhaustion each day. Taking care of a baby. That's my life right now.

On the flip side, I also live within the tension that yes, I don't have it all together most days. And yes, I will probably only wear makeup for special occasions in the coming days/weeks/months? But, I'm now a mom and doing things right in so many ways. I have the privilege of raising a baby girl to know that she is loved and cared for, and I get to work through my own sense of selfishness and self-centered desires on a daily basis. It's true that my life has changed forever - my identity and expectations are adapting to accommodate the child who relies on me for everything.  Rather than focusing on all the things I'm giving up (sleep, appearance, sanity), God is constantly reminding me of what I've been given. The gift of a baby girl that I get to steward and raise and protect.

I had no idea how challenging and rewarding, this new season would be. Perhaps, this is reason still to give thanks. I'm finding that there is grace in not being able to see what lies ahead, stepping out in faith into the great unknown.

“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” 

C.S. Lewis