A Slice of Rhubarb Cake: Contemplations on Loss & Living Faithfully

Three bites worth.
That's the amount of crumbly oatmeal-flour cake, with its moist chunks of rhubarb hidden beneath the golden fluff, I have left on my dessert plate. All of a sudden a wave of remorse overtakes me; I wish that I had eaten my cake slower. I'll have to savor every last bite.

I feel that way right now, as I recall the day's events and ponder what the future will look like for myself, my husband and his family. One of Ken's grandmas is at the hospital and we are unsure as to when she'll be able to return to home, let alone her current state of health. It's a tough situation. Today, upon visiting grandma at the medical center, I felt mixed emotions as I walked through the brightly-lit corridor leading to her room. The hospital where she's staying is so peaceful and welcoming. Likewise, there are Bible verses and references scattered throughout the hallways and waiting areas. I remember being in a place like this one in the not-too-distant past. However, the hospital where I spent my time was not located in Alaska--it was back on Maui. And there were no Bible references to comfort me while waiting in the lobby. The smells of Maui's main health center were quite different than the well-ventilated, fresh scent of the hospital where I spent this morning.

It's crazy how experiences in our everyday can trigger memories from the past. Maybe this is something unique to me. I have always been commended on my ability to recall past events with prolific detail but I don't usually feel that my ability is such a gift. Today included moments like that. Moments when I was transported to a place and a time that felt incredibly real, in its emotion and experience.

All of a sudden, I am back in the Intensive Care Unit at the Maui Memorial Hospital, sitting beside my 74-year-old grandma, watching her body deteriorate--her lungs had collapsed after filling with fluid and she was literally being pumped with oxygen through a breathing machine. My right hand strokes her soft gray hair, as she rests peacefully in a half-propped position. She's in a coma right now and I'm not sure if she can hear me, but I start reading to her anyway. I have some Bible verses that I brought, along with a wealth of stories from my day at work. Grandma loved hearing my stories, I would think, as I now shared them without any type of acknowledgment on her part. I clasp her warm hand and hold it steadily as I whisper into her ear that I'll be back again soon. I love you, Grandma. 

And now I'm back. I realize that I'm not on the little island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean that I called home for so long. I'm actually in the rugged, mountain-strewn state of Alaska. I'm also not sitting with my grandma who is dying of emphysema. I'm with Ken's grandma, and she is awake and coherent, able to respond to my stories and recognize who I am. This is a different situation, although it brings up memories that I had tried to bury so deep.

It's hard watching loved ones suffer and experience pain. I wish that God didn't allow us to walk through such things and yet I believe that one day, perhaps in Heaven, it will all make sense. For now, I can only trust that He is good and place my hope in Him. I still miss my Grandma every day. The hardest part, I think for me, is not being able to talk to her. She had such a funny sense of humor--her Bronx, New York upbringing added to her candor. Quick-witted and extremely wise, Grandma provided a sense of stability in my life. When she died, it took so long for my grief to subside. I still carry with me the invisible wounds of having lost someone so dear.

My emotions are fresh, my pain laid bare before me. As I spent time with Ken's grandma today, I thought back to all the times I have been blessed to walk with people through seasons of suffering: as a Stephen Minister (lay counselor), a Memorial Service Coordinator, and also in just being available for people I've met along life's journey. It's so hard to watch people hurting, but I am thankful for the way it pushes me to see beyond this life, into the hope of what's to come.

So, here we are, now living in Alaska, and pressing into Christ for hope as we walk with family members through the aging process. I am confident that God has us here for a reason. In response to my constant questioning, I've heard Him whisper in my ear, "for such a time as this" (from the story of Esther). I want to be faithful to that calling. Six years ago, if I hadn't moved home to Maui following college, I would have missed the opportunity to walk my grandma from this life into the next. Instead, I answered God's prompt. I'm amazed at what God has brought my husband and me through these past few years of marriage, and I am confident that He will continue to meet our every need.

Whirlwind Wedding Week in San Diego!

My best friend is now married!
[Cue Applause]

Ken and I just returned from San Diego, Calif., where we spent the past few days celebrating with one of my best friends, along with her family and friends, this entry into a new season as a married woman. It was incredible! I had the privilege of serving as Matron of Honor and loved every minute of it. As a wedding planner, I am typically in charge of coordinating all the ceremony and reception details and miss out on just being able to relax and enjoy the party--let alone give a speech! It was such a blessing to offer my friendship and encouragement in a more personal way this time.

Every part of my friend's wedding was superbly executed, from the lovely outdoor ceremony location overlooking the marina to the warm, soft mini lights encased in sheer white fabric lining the wood walls in the reception hall. My friend and her now husband had their hand in every detail. For instance, their table centerpieces were manzanita branches they collected themselves, then painted white. With tact and an eye for design, they then hung glass beads with string from various branches, set in place with a rustic burlap cover. The table numbers, escort cards, and seating arrangements added to the 'rustic-chic-meets-refined-elegance' atmosphere. I'm so impressed at their creativity! The wedding was stunning.

Here are some of my favorite photos from the wedding:
(Click on each photo to enlarge.)

As the Matron of Honor, I also had the honor of helping with the pre-wedding festivities. Here are some photos of the Bachelorette Party, which began at a restaurant downtown and then finished back at our Bridal Party Suite. Enjoy!

Cheers to the happy couple!!

The Alcan: Our Journey to Alaska from Seattle via Alberta

3,000 miles or just under. That’s the distance my husband and I, along with one of my best friends, traveled in about one week on our way from Seattle, Wash., to Alaska—the state we now proudly call home. Upon returning to Seattle from our month-long ‘Europe Tour,’ Ken and I rented a U-Haul moving truck, loaded up all of our belongings from the past three years of marriage, and hit the road.

My friend Jenn joined us for this epic adventure. She took the train to Seattle from Portland, Oregon (near her hometown), and met us at our U-Haul location with a military issue duffle bag, camping supplies, and an incredible sense of adventure. We were ready for the long trek ahead and set out early Friday morning, the last week in July.

Looking back, I’m still blown by the natural beauty of Glacier National Park in Canada. The windswept mountain peaks and jagged cliff faces were breathtaking. Likewise, the contrast between roaring glacier-fed rivers and placid, emerald streams provided an awe-inspiring backdrop for our strenuous drive. Our musical selection, provided mainly by Jenn’s iPod, included, “The Lord of the Rings” soundtrack and “Enya.” Like the perfect pairing of food and wine, we took in majestic slopes set to beautiful melody.

During our journey, we made a slight detour and visited one of my other best friends in Alberta, Canada. Sheri. Sheri lives in a rural farming town a few hours outside of any major city. This was my first time visiting her and I felt so blessed by the warm welcome from her and her family and friends. Sheri’s boyfriend treated us to warm crepes hot off the griddle that first morning we were in town. Later in the day, we visited Sheri’s family and barbequed in the backyard. Sheri then surprised us with free horseback riding lessons that afternoon! I’d like to pause here and mention how much I love horses! It’s been a dream of mine to ride horses out in the country and after this experience, I’m hooked. I’d like to take lessons in the near future. (Thank you, Sheri.) It was bittersweet saying goodbye to my Canadian friend; thankfully, I knew that just a few weeks later we’d meet up in San Diego.

Many surprises were in store for us on this trip. Each day, we saw wild animals—animals I had only ever seen in magazines or on TV. Mountain sheep, mountain goats, buffalo, deer, caribou and moose all ventured out on or near the highway. I was so impressed by the rugged terrain and the creatures that call it home.

During our trip, there was one experience that stands out in my mind as having been miraculous. Upon leaving Alberta, we drove 11 hours to our next campsite, a near-empty state park with no towns or neighborhoods or gas stations within 100 miles or more. Darkness encroached as we pulled up to our muddy campsite at the end of a narrow dirt drive. Jenn and I gathered our food out of the U-Haul first, as we were anxious to start cooking a warm meal. Meanwhile, Ken jumped in the back of the truck to change from his shorts into pants, with mosquitos swarming all around us. While Jenn headed to the restroom, I went to the back of the truck to grab supplies. At that moment, I heard Ken yell, just seconds after closing the sliding metal door to the back of U-Haul and latching the hardened steel alloy padlock in place.

“Oh no!” he agonized. “I just locked our keys into the back of the U-Haul.”

His face burning with remorse, I asked him, “What are we going to do?”

All of our camping supplies, our belongings, and now our car keys and padlock keys were trapped behind the shiny metal door in front of us.

“I need to find bolt cutters or a way into the truck,” he continued. “I’ll start walking.”

Jenn returned in time to hear what had happened. Feelings of fear, confusion, regret, and anxiety hovered like a thick cloud. As Ken headed out, Jenn asked, “Can we all pray together? Let’s pray.” Our situation warranted it. The three of us held hands and asked God to please intervene in our situation and send help. We felt completely helpless.

After praying, Ken headed off in the direction of the main road. A few minutes after he was out of sight, a truck filled with male workers from an oil refinery or farm drove up next to our U-Haul. Uncomfortable by their loud music and conversation, I told Jenn that I didn’t understand why they parked by us. We were located at the end of a muddy road, with nothing to see nearby. Also, I had no idea where they had come from, really. It seemed like the making of a bad situation. Jenn tried to assure me that we’d be fine, but I felt a growing discomfort settling deep in my stomach as the minutes passed. “God, please help Ken to come back soon,” I whispered. Right then, I noticed the figure of a man in the distance walking toward us, as the fog rolled in.

It was Ken. He was back. He had found bolt cutters.

Our hearts quickly lifted as Ken told us the story of how the first person he found directed him to another guy, a man nearby who had bolt cutters just lying on the tire of his truck. Ken thanked that man and then asked the other guy if he could borrow the bolt cutters. Then, he walked back to our campsite. At that point, the truckload of slaphappy guys left. In summary, Ken located bolt cutters within about 10 minutes from the point that he left us and was able to easily snap our thick padlock in about two clamps.

And that is how God totally blew our minds with His ability to provide for us in the most desolate of circumstances.

We were out in the middle of nowhere. There were only a handful of campers in or around our area; most likely just ‘passing through’ like us. But God was there. Right there--in our midst. He answered our prayer. Praise Jesus.

From then on, the three of us felt so encouraged as we continued our drive along the Alcan. We even got to Ken’s parents’ home near Anchorage sooner than expected, and were welcomed with an amazing seafood dinner and the love of family and friends excited to have us in town. What an incredible adventure and testimony of God’s provision! It feels great to start this new season in Alaska knowing that God is the One who provides for us.

Here are some photos from our travels throughout Canada and the first couple days in Alaska. You can click on each photo to enlarge. Enjoy!