What was I thinking? I asked myself yesterday, as I straddled one foot on the bathtub ledge and the other on the toilet seat cover, trying to unhook our mildew-stained shower curtain for laundering purposes - left foot wobbling, right foot slipping.
Then again, while down on 'all fours', scrubbing furiously and painstakingly reaching for the far corners of the bathtub - maneuvering my giant belly into the most awkward of positions, the thought came to me, "Why did I wait until I'm 35 weeks pregnant to do all the chores I've been avoiding?"
Five loads of laundry.
Deep-cleaning the bathroom.
Vacuuming the house.
Organizing the nursery.
Reviewing our finances.
Hosting friends.
I can say with pride that I slept amazingly last night. I was so physically exhausted from all my cleaning, organizing, and rearranging.
Is this the "Nesting" instinct? The term I've heard about and never quite understand. Or am I going crazy?
A smirk takes shape, as I recall my bout of absentmindedness this morning. While taping up a flat rate box, just moments ago, I snipped the skin on my left index finger, rather than the strip of packaging tape I intended to cut. As I watched the blood pool near my incision, a wave of nausea passed over me. I told myself to calm down, rather than drop down to my knees, which felt like the most reasonable reaction at that point.
I need to be strong for my baby, I voiced internally, as I sat down and bandaged my cut.
In many ways, this past week of pregnancy has been rather difficult. My emotions, triggered easily by the slightest situation, have been marked by waves of sadness and feeling overwhelmed. On Sunday, Ken and I spent six hours in a birthing class at the local hospital. Our instructor was awesome, and I enjoyed taking in her wisdom and insights. I was blown away by how incredible the female body is. We watched videos of live births and walked through the different stages of labor from start to finish. In my excitement, I cried each time a baby was born on the big screen, and felt both encouraged and challenged by the opportunity to have our baby without the use of painkillers. Many of the women in the class were hoping for the same outcome as me, and it was cool to practice pain-management techniques (positions, breathing exercises) with our partners. Ken and I found ourselves laughing and joking, as I moved through varying birthing positions and tried to keep in sync with breathing exercises. It was fun seeing the different options for how women work through the intensity of contractions.
After class, despite the exciting things we had just learned, I broke down crying. I couldn't stop crying. It was so much to take in, all at once.
Eventually, I did stop crying and was able to process through many of my feelings. It's true - I'm so excited to birth this baby inside of me. I can't wait to meet her and see her beautiful face for the first time. I'm also scared - more scared than I've been in a long, long time. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed by the thought of how I'll get through the contractions, and grapple with whether I can manage the pain without an epidural. I vacillate between a deep sense of idealism and realism.
Another struggle that I've been constantly giving to the Lord in prayer is my fear that I'll allow myself to be defined by the expectations of others. I've noticed in this whole experience of being pregnant, that it is much like being engaged. Everyone - friends, family, coworkers, and even random strangers (like the middle-aged food server at Costco who flamboyantly screamed, "It's going to hurt like hell!" to me the other week, in referencing childbirth) - has an opinion, and many people want to share their opinion whether it's asked for or not. I'm surprised, I guess, by how people often think there's a 'one-size-fits-all' method for pregnancy, or anything in life. As a wedding planner, I can attest to every wedding I've coordinated being uniquely different in the bride/groom's needs, desires, and even in their obstacles/setbacks. You can only plan so much, and then things take their course - often in way that's not expected. It's important to be prepared, but that only goes so far.
My Birth Plan is pretty simple: have a healthy baby and do it as "naturally" as possible. Beyond that, I want to practice peace and pursue faith and trust that God's in control, especially if/when my pain feels out of control.
In many ways, I hope to be an example to my daughter - even now, of living life with open hands, in joyful expectation of God's goodness, accepting setbacks as an opportunity to grow and make peace with things I may never understand.
Week #36, I think I'm officially ready for you now.
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