Week 35: Is this Nesting or am I Going Crazy?

What was I thinking? I asked myself yesterday, as I straddled one foot on the bathtub ledge and the other on the toilet seat cover, trying to unhook our mildew-stained shower curtain for laundering purposes - left foot wobbling, right foot slipping.

Then again, while down on 'all fours', scrubbing furiously and painstakingly reaching for the far corners of the bathtub - maneuvering my giant belly into the most awkward of positions, the thought came to me, "Why did I wait until I'm 35 weeks pregnant to do all the chores I've been avoiding?"

Five loads of laundry.
Deep-cleaning the bathroom.
Vacuuming the house.
Organizing the nursery.
Reviewing our finances.
Hosting friends.

I can say with pride that I slept amazingly last night. I was so physically exhausted from all my cleaning, organizing, and rearranging.

Is this the "Nesting" instinct? The term I've heard about and never quite understand. Or am I going crazy?

A smirk takes shape, as I recall my bout of absentmindedness this morning. While taping up a flat rate box, just moments ago, I snipped the skin on my left index finger, rather than the strip of packaging tape I intended to cut. As I watched the blood pool near my incision, a wave of nausea passed over me. I told myself to calm down, rather than drop down to my knees, which felt like the most reasonable reaction at that point.

I need to be strong for my baby, I voiced internally, as I sat down and bandaged my cut.

In many ways, this past week of pregnancy has been rather difficult. My emotions, triggered easily by the slightest situation, have been marked by waves of sadness and feeling overwhelmed. On Sunday, Ken and I spent six hours in a birthing class at the local hospital. Our instructor was awesome, and I enjoyed taking in her wisdom and insights. I was blown away by how incredible the female body is. We watched videos of live births and walked through the different stages of labor from start to finish. In my excitement, I cried each time a baby was born on the big screen, and felt both encouraged and challenged by the opportunity to have our baby without the use of painkillers. Many of the women in the class were hoping for the same outcome as me, and it was cool to practice pain-management techniques (positions, breathing exercises) with our partners. Ken and I found ourselves laughing and joking, as I moved through varying birthing positions and tried to keep in sync with breathing exercises. It was fun seeing the different options for how women work through the intensity of contractions.

After class, despite the exciting things we had just learned, I broke down crying. I couldn't stop crying. It was so much to take in, all at once.

Eventually, I did stop crying and was able to process through many of my feelings. It's true - I'm so excited to birth this baby inside of me. I can't wait to meet her and see her beautiful face for the first time. I'm also scared - more scared than I've been in a long, long time. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed by the thought of how I'll get through the contractions, and grapple with whether I can manage the pain without an epidural. I vacillate between a deep sense of idealism and realism.

Another struggle that I've been constantly giving to the Lord in prayer is my fear that I'll allow myself to be defined by the expectations of others. I've noticed in this whole experience of being pregnant, that it is much like being engaged. Everyone - friends, family, coworkers, and even random strangers (like the middle-aged food server at Costco who flamboyantly screamed, "It's going to hurt like hell!" to me the other week, in referencing childbirth) - has an opinion, and many people want to share their opinion whether it's asked for or not. I'm surprised, I guess, by how people often think there's a 'one-size-fits-all' method for pregnancy, or anything in life. As a wedding planner, I can attest to every wedding I've coordinated being uniquely different in the bride/groom's needs, desires, and even in their obstacles/setbacks. You can only plan so much, and then things take their course - often in way that's not expected. It's important to be prepared, but that only goes so far.

My Birth Plan is pretty simple: have a healthy baby and do it as "naturally" as possible. Beyond that, I want to practice peace and pursue faith and trust that God's in control, especially if/when my pain feels out of control.

In many ways, I hope to be an example to my daughter - even now, of living life with open hands, in joyful expectation of God's goodness, accepting setbacks as an opportunity to grow and make peace with things I may never understand.

Week #36, I think I'm officially ready for you now.

Week 30: Homemade Apple Pie & Afternoon Naps

To kick off Week 30 of pregnancy, I baked homemade apple pie. With the help of Ken's excellent dough-rolling skills, I was able to create my favorite version using my Grandma Elsa's Apple Pie Recipe. The combination of red and green apples added a touch of diversity in taste - sweet, tart, and bright flavors paired well with the buttery, flakey pie crust.

Grandma would be proud of my handiwork. She taught me so much in her second floor, tile-lined kitchen, with its patches of sticky coating - most likely caused by flying bits of sugar and butter from all of our cooking and baking together. Grandma was such a strong woman - my mom's mom, she grew up in the Bronx, and loved telling inappropriate New York cab driver jokes and reminiscing about her travels growing up and into adulthood. In many ways, I think she tried to be a second mom to me, particularly when my parents separated and eventually divorced. I miss her wisdom, strength, and love for learning. As a young child, she'd point me to her large living room bookcase - where there sat a dictionary, a thesaurus, an almanac, and a hefty concordance of the Bible - any time I had a question about the world, or God, or the meaning of a big word. I can still hear her now: "Maile, go and get the book! Let's look it up." And we did. Every, single time. Until the days when Grandma got too weak and breathless, and prepared to leave us. Then, she just wanted to hear me talk and neither of us asked too many questions.

I still miss her. Often, when I catch myself reflecting on a favorite memory or recipe of hers, I start to cry. Grandma Elsa would be so excited that I'm pregnant. I hope that I can pass along some of her best attributes to my daughter. Along with her cooking, of course.

This week marks 30 weeks in baby girl's development. She now weighs 3lbs or more and measures roughly 15 1/2 inches from head to foot. She's the size of a large cabbage, according to my reading, and her bone marrow has started producing red blood cells. Her brain is forming ridges and growing steadily, and is helping to regulate her body temperature along with her increasing fat cells. Baby girl's eyesight is also strengthening. Similar to her ability to kick. I'm impressed by how quickly she is able to get my attention these days, particularly when I'm relaxing or sleeping. I believe that she is starting to recognize Ken's voice since I've noticed an increase in activity when he is close by. We are growing in anticipation of meeting our sweet little girl!

At my most recent doctor visit, my belly bump measured 31cm, which is right on track for healthy development. Her heart beat is also normal and thankfully, the only symptoms I'm experiencing in this stage of pregnancy are increased heartburn and occasional backpain. Last night, I woke up feeling very uncomfortable, as I'm struggling to find a good sleeping position that accommodates my growing belly! I go back and forth between using my giant body pillow and my normal head pillow, as I overheat quite easily these days. I'm trying to remind myself what a blessing it is that I can now take afternoon naps. Especially on days when I've gone without much sleep the previous night. Friday was my last day at my full-time job and I'm looking forward to lots more napping in my future (along with continued progress on the nursery!)

Speaking of which, I took a lovely hour-long nap this afternoon and am feeling refreshed. I suppose it's time to head back into the kitchen and tackle the remainder of yesterday's mess from my baking endeavors. Here are some photos of our pie making yesterday.

Enjoy!
Maile

Mile Marker: 22 Weeks & Counting!

Today marks Week 22 for me! With only 18 weeks remaining until my expected due date (roughly 4 1/2 months), I'm more than halfway through pregnancy. Praise God for this marvelous event taking place before my eyes! My belly is growing fast, which is a tangible representation of the baby forming even quicker inside of me. Our baby girl is now roughly the size of a spaghetti squash, weighs about one pound and is 8 inches long, according to my go-to baby book, What to Expect When You're Expecting. 

Here, Ken holds a spaghetti squash we got from the grocer recently. We both agree that baby girl is most likely not this big...

She is developing her sense of touch in utero, along with her ability to distinguish between light and dark. Baby girl can also hear my voice now, along with my heartbeat, my constant stomach growls, and the sound of blood swooshing through my body. Crazy, right? I'm amazed and astounded at the incredible beauty of new life as it grows and develops in my belly. She is a live being - a picture of a Creative Force at work in me and the world around me. 

Honestly, I'm blown away by this whole process.

My body is going through many changes right now. Besides the typical increase in swelling and inflammation in my body from pregnancy, my feet seem to be 1/4 inch bigger! All my cute heels, pumps and wedges that were a 'perfect fit' a few months ago, now feel a bit snug. While I ditched my favorite form-fitting, bodycon work dresses weeks back - which seemed normal - I can't get over the need to start wearing bigger shoes. But, for baby girl, I'll do it! I'm becoming more relaxed with myself when it comes to changing shapes and sizes, and I want to continue to embrace this new season in all of its intricacies.

I've also received quite a few remarks about the new ring I'm sporting on my wedding finger! Coworkers, along with random people I meet while out running errands, stop to ask me about my cushion-cut aquamarine 'bling'. Thankfully, I have this white gold stand-in that Ken gave me for our anniversary to take the place of my preferred yellow gold diamond wedding band, while my fingers are larger than ever from swelling. Although I like this new ring a lot, I feel so weird without the ring I've worn for these past four and a half years. I look forward to switching back to my primary ring after baby arrives.

These days, my focus is shifting from "What can I wear?" to "What will baby girl wear?" As a special present to myself, I decided that once we found out the baby's gender, I'd buy a few little outfits for her/him. Which, I should add, was ridiculously fun. My mother-in-law and a couple coworkers blessed me with a few baby outfits, and then I picked out a couple sale items at my favorite stores in town. I'd love to share those with you! I'm finding that I really like soft fabrics, sweet details (like ruffles), and standout prints - case in point: the baby pink whales, flowers, foxes, and popsicles you'll see below.

What do you think?

     

God continues to reveal His grace for me, as I learn and grow in this season. I'm so excited for the unique blessing of becoming a mom, and pray that these next 4 1/2 months will continue to go smoothly, as I practice love for myself and care for this baby developing in my body.

Thanks for sharing in this journey with me, and Ken, and baby girl.

~ m